The Eldest Daughter’s Guide to Carrying Less

It’s a lot right now—here’s how to take care of yourself in the middle of it all.

Feb 07, 2025

Letting go of what you can’t control has to be one of the most basic pieces of advice out there. Unfortunately for me, I can’t let go that easily. I’ve spent the last two weeks repeating to myself, “This is not good for my mental health anymore.” And yet, I keep scrolling—walking the fine line between being informed and overwhelming myself with information.

Welcome to the life of an eldest daughter—the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, at that. It’s rough out here.

Looking at the current state of this country, I can’t help but think, “How do I fix this?” Instinctively (and naively) searching for solutions because fixing things is what we do. But there is a limit—and I’m feeling it now.

There’s a lot of fear in the air. And I can’t help but walk past people out and about, wondering who has a clear conscience. Simply keeping up with the weight of everything happening is exhausting—I can only imagine how much heavier the weight of being responsible must be.

I know the rise of digital nomads and “expats” has made immigration seem like a fun and pain-free experience. But let me, and the millions of other immigrants in the United States, tell you very clearly: it is not.

And yet, the way people talk about immigrants—the policies, the numbers, and statistics tossed around as if we’re not speaking of actual lives—it’s as if we’ve stripped every ounce of humanity.

It is not and has never been an easy experience. It is not a vacation, a gap year abroad, or a fun little experiment in “finding yourself.” For many, immigration is survival—a crushing feeling of homesickness and the unmeasurable pressure to prove that leaving was worth it.

“Come here legally.”

I’ve heard that phrase a million times—like it’s the catch-all solution. But what fair and accessible process exists to make it possible for people of all backgrounds to come here safely and affordably? I ask, knowing the answer: there isn’t one.

The truth is that “legal” (whatever that means) immigration to the United States is so far out of reach for most people that it often isn’t a choice. For those fleeing violence, poverty, or political instability, waiting years for a decision isn’t an option. Paying thousands in fees isn’t an option. Risking denial with no refund or explanation isn’t an option.

For reference:

The average salary in most Latin American countries ranges from $300 - $1,200 a month (depending on location, industry, and experience level), with over 50% of people falling on the lower end of that spectrum.12
The current price to apply for a U.S. tourist visa is $185.3
The current price to apply for U.S. citizenship is $760 (if filing by paper) or $710 (if filing online).4

All fees mentioned above are per person and don’t include travel and legal fees.

I can only imagine the outrage that would follow if Americans had to apply and pay $185 to travel to another country, only to be potentially denied at the last minute. The average American will never understand what it’s like to have your life reduced to a visa application, to have your worth measured in paperwork.

According to the Henley Passport Index 2025, the US passport ranks 9th globally—meaning Americans can travel visa-free to 186 destinations.5 Meanwhile, only 42 countries can enter the U.S. without first applying for a visa.6 If that number shocks you, it should.

The system isn’t broken. It was designed this way.

Until we acknowledge the reality of immigrating to the United States—the cost, the risk, the years of uncertainty—we are not having a conversation about safety. We are up against a system that criminalizes desperation, punishes hope, and turns survival into a privilege. So, I will not be listening to empty rhetorics about “legal” immigration from people who have never set foot in an embassy, never prayed that their visa wouldn’t be denied, and never had to beg for permission to exist in a country that profits from their labor.

So, it’s time to preserve our energy.

How To Carry Less

Use your “not my job” pass

Everyone in our lives has convinced us that we must step up to roles that aren’t ours to fill. “Se dispuesta”, as my grandmother would say. Be helpful. Be accommodating. Be everything, for everyone.

Before saying yes, ask yourself: Do I want to do this, or do I feel like I have to?
Practice saying no without over-explaining. “I can’t.” “Not this time.” “That won’t work for me.”
Delegation isn’t just for the workplace. “I don’t know. What do you think we should do?”

Pick your battles wisely

You cannot (and will not) win every battle. Some people don’t want to understand—they want to argue. I, for one, believe humanity is not up for debate. So, I will not be wasting my energy convincing people of my worth, my family’s worth, or the worth of all the immigrants who keep this country running.

Before engaging, ask yourself: Is this worth my energy, or do I just like proving people wrong? (It’s okay to admit it’s the latter.)
Sometimes, the best response is a question, not a fact. “Where’d you hear that?”
Exit the conversation. “If that helps you sleep at night.” “That’s above my pay grade.” “Well, okay!” (My personal favorite.)

Rest isn’t selfish

The truth is, we cannot all be tired. They want you to be tired. A burnt-out you is easier to control and easier to dismiss. There are people out there who don’t have rest as an option. So, it’s on you to use your privilege wisely. If resting makes you feel guilty, remember exhaustion keeps you compliant.

Before you keep going, ask yourself: Am I actually needed right now, or am I just afraid of what people might say if I am not active every second of the day? (Be honest.)
You don’t get extra credit for working overtime. “This can wait.” “That’s a problem for future me.” “I’m calling it a day.”
Take a nap. Seriously—preserve la siesta.

Stop getting your news from social media

Social media wasn’t designed to be a news source. And while it’s a powerful tool for awareness, constant doomscrolling doesn’t exactly equal being informed. The information overload is paralyzing us.

Before believing everything you see online, ask yourself: Is this from a reliable source, or is it just engagement bait? (Misinformation comes from every side—people will spread anything for views.)
Support journalism. Social media is about making headlines. Now more than ever, newspapers and journalists need our support. Subscribe, donate, or, at the very least, read the article before reposting.
Set boundaries. We were not meant to learn about every crisis in real-time all day, every day. Create a schedule, take breaks, and step away when it’s too much.

Small moves are still moves

It’s easy to believe that if you’re not doing something big, you’re not doing enough. But impact isn’t only measured in size and visibility—it can also be measured in consistency.

Before you give up, ask yourself: Are my expectations unrealistic? Is the problem that my actions don’t matter or that I expect change to happen all at once?
Focus on what’s within reach. Pick one thing you can do every day to help. It can be as simple as educating yourself on a specific topic or showing up for a friend, family member, a stranger, or yourself.
You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Leverage your skills, network, and resources in ways that are accessible to you. There’s impact in things as simple as the choices you make.

Dear Daughter

Being the eldest daughter is a shared experience. The appointments only you know how to book, always being on take-out order duty, the “Are you busy right now?” texts—as if it would make a difference if you were. The moments that make you think, “Surely, this could only happen to me.”

Spoiler: It couldn’t. It didn’t. We’re all living the same life.

💌 Send me your rants, confessions, screenshots, and stories. If it screams eldest daughter energy, I want to hear it.

📩 How to submit: The submission form is preferred, but email works too!

✨ Select submissions will be featured in upcoming issues of Daughter’s House.

Dear Daughter Submissions

Report Card

🌚 Mood Check: Currently riding a productivity high, fully aware the crash is coming.

📈 Wins: Got out of my comfort zone and worked at a coffee shop. I also went to the endocrinologist and actually got my questions answered—what a wild concept.

📉 Losses: Hit "ignore limit for the day" one too many times on TikTok and Instagram. Left the house for a total of maybe three days.

⭐ Extra Credit: The Outlander binge continues—I finally made it to season 6. The commitment is impressive, even for me. I’m emotionally invested at this point.

✏️ Lesson of The Week: It turns out that setting screen time limits and sticking to them is more effective than relying on self-control (which I clearly do not have).

📋 Final Grade: B+ (points deducted for screen time violations, but bonus points for not catching the flu).